Window or Mirror?

Recently I was reading a post on a site that I frequent, and a woman was describing her husband’s behavior – with some level of frustration – and wondering if it was “normal”. I think she meant, “Should I live with this and just shut up about it, or do I have grounds to stand up to him”?

The husband in this example was controlling, petty, and dismissive and the rules of the home did not apply to him but were liberally applied to all others. I would suggest that this man is in all of us, and I would exhort men to stand up and be more than a male. Be what God designed you to be, for Him, for your wife, for your church, and for your children…

Men today don’t know a lot of things. They are not being raised with any sense of “manhood” (what it means to be a man). We try to make our little boys act like little girls, and when they don’t, we give them Ritalin and sit them in the front of the class and hold them in from recess. Worse than this, we don’t tell boys when “manhood” begins. There is no rite of passage, no understanding of, “From this day forth, you shall be considered a man”. Childhood used to last until age 18 (maximum), now – for many men – it lasts through a young man’s 20′s and into his 30′s. How many of you have spoken with women who’s sons still live in the basement at age 29, playing video games for a living? “Johnny’s still at home, but we’re praying for him”. He doesn’t need only prayer, he needs Dad to drag him outside and make him work!

How is it that we are not teaching our sons to be men? Well, I’d posit that there are two primary reasons for this. First, we don’t spend any time with them and second, we don’t know how to be men ourselves. It once was that a son would apprentice with his father (or another man) and would learn alongside them about the trade, and as a result, would also pick up critical things about what a man does all day, how he acts, and how he treats others. Today, we run off to work and our son goes to school. When our boy comes home he sits in front of the TV or a video game while we engage in our hobby without him or go work out at the gym. This teaches little Johnny how to live in Mom’s basement later on, not how to become a man! We don’t know how to be men because we’re the first generation raised wholly in a post-modern world. Even if you were raised by solid parents, the world has eaten at you, claiming its apathetic margin at every stage of your life, telling you that every belief is equal, and children should be allowed to run free and do as they like. You don’t know how to raise a man because your past didn’t make you into one!

What does your wife need? I don’t mean, “What’s your perception of what you needy wife whines about all the time”? I mean, what does the creature to whom you’ve pledged to have and to hold, to cherish… what does she NEED!? Do you hold her face in your hands, gently stroke her hair, talk with her gently about life, love, and your children? Or do you leer at her, rolling your eyes when she asks you to remove your shoes in the mud room, chuckle under your breath and find secret enjoyment when the kids misbehave to her? Do you sacrifice for her, picking up around the house, making her tea in the evening, helping make the bed in the morning, looking for what burdens you can remove from her or do you plop down in front of the TV when you get home and look for someone, anyone, to bring you a drink? When she wants to do a certain thing around the house, make an expenditure,etc. do you mock or control her? Or do you revel in the fact that you have a capable and brave wife that handles her household with grace and courage?

Men, our wives need us, but they don’t need what we’ve become; they need what God created us to be. They need kings that will treat them like queens, they need warriors that will treat them with gentleness and kindness, they need friends that will listen and care, and they need partners that will shoulder the emotional burdens of life together with them. Care for your wives men… that does not mean, “bring home a check”, the active verb is “care”. First care for her, and then – through daily action – care for her. Protect her heart and champion her cause and I promise you, you’ll begin to see a queen that is radiant and fulfilled.

What do your kids need? They need presence. They need to see you live life, interacting with others and making decisions. They need specific training, yes; but more important is to let them see who you are as you live life as a man. Your daughters need touching, love, and time. If you don’t give them this often, they will soon find another male to give it to them, and trust me when I tell you that you don’t want that. Your sons need to understand what work is, what sacrifice is, and why we do both of these things. Both genders need to understand our view of – and relationship to – God and what “life” looks like outside the family. Your children should be able to express emotion in a safe environment and should know that no matter what they do, they are still your child and that you love them (this does not make a statement about consequence).

Men, this is a country filled with guys who don’t have great adventure in life; they watch them in movies. Men don’t play many sports anymore, they watch football on TV. Men don’t take the time and energy to be lovers to their wives, they watch porn on the internet. Men don’t live life in their role 24 hours a day anymore, they go to work, come home and go into a TV or computer world, expecting their wives to pick up the “slack”. I encourage you not to be this man! 

So, how do we do it? Simple. We stamp out only three things and add one. The three are, lust, pride, and selfishness. That’s it, three little things. (for those of you who don’t know me, this would be tongue-in-cheek humor).

Lust
This one is a killer fellas. It’s a part of selfishness but with guys, it needs its own little category (and coffin). Your wife whom the Lord gave you and with whom you should take your joy, is the only woman that you should be expending any emotional energy on. You’ve all seen sitcoms or movies where the man puts a centerfold up on the bedstead to get excited with his wife, and we laugh and say that’s pathetic, but we each do this exact same thing. If you have ever slept with a woman that is not your wife, watched a movie with pornographic content, viewed a magazine with scantily clad (or unclad) women, or lusted after another woman in your heart; it is incredibly likely that you are bringing these images to mind, and that is being unfaithful to your wife! More than this, since we’ve likely masturbated to these images or thoughts, we will bring back these memories with our wives in the moment that God designed us to be only with one another, while we are making love. Can you begin to see why pornography and pre-marital sex are a huge problem? We men are visual and we remember visually. This is not helpful when we are trying to focus on our wife. I would suggest that you drive out thoughts and images of other women, and this takes a long time to do, but it is worth it. I would further suggest that you slow your sexual pace down to a point where you do not need to conjure up images to “get excited” but are already so full of anticipation that you can focus fully on your wife without bringing other women into your mind. On another note, this pace may be more naturally in line with your wife’s pace, but we can discuss that theory another time.

Pride
You don’t always have to “win”, to be “right”, to be the “Big Dog”. Let others have their time in the sun as well. It’s your job to build self-confidence in your children, not to tear it down. You are to hold up you wife, not make her question her sanity. Stop the belittling comments and the desire to make others look bad. Instead, build others up verbally, assuming that they already are what they could become, and then watch them become that. Suck it up, and take your part of the blame (and stop there). When you are confronted with an issue in life, stop trying to find out “who’s fault it was”. Investigate only YOUR part of it and how to avoid it the next time or how you might act in a more honorable manner if faced with the same situation again.

Selfishness
Newsflash fellas, it isn’t all about you! It’s about her and the kids. Set yourself aside and look for what you can do to serve your family. If I hear even one of you complain, “I’ve had a long day at work and I deserve to sit down”, I swear I’ll come to your place and exhort you to excellence personally and vigorously. Her day started before yours and will end after yours, and she’ll give more of herself than you will. You don’t “deserve” to sit down, she does. Change your attitude and approach. Let her sit and put her feet up. Bring her tea and do the dinner dishes for her. I KNOW YOU DON’T WANT TO, THAT’S THE ENTIRE POINT!!! Set yourself aside and put her in the place she deserves, in your heart, mind, and in the home. She is your queen. As a side note, the kids quickly pick up on this and become people with servant-hearts as well.

The One Thing
This blog is heavy in “Christian” metaphor and belief, and that is because I believe that what we do here is temporary and preparatory for an eternity with He who created us. The changes suggested in this post will help any man with his wife and kids, but the real change comes when we open our hearts to the Good News, filling ourselves with the Holy Spirit and allowing Him to work in us to change us. The other three do not fall away without a fight, but you need strength to put away the old and bring in the new, and Christ will give that strength.

Cowboy up, men! There is a world full of sons that don’t know what a man is or does, daughters that are looking for love, and wives that need us to be present and accounted for. Hear the challenge and rise to it.